Hey, Control Freak!

At some point you have to admit that you are a control freak. I know for myself it comes up in themes when that controlling side of myself starts coming out, and though it’s unintentional when it does, it usually happens most often during the times when I feel like everything’s falling apart or to good to be true. So if you look at it from that aspect, you are really seeing it as a coping mechanism in order to not feel like you have no control and that you are attempting to save yourself from drowning. Now really you need these moments of feeling like you are drowning because for one, if you look at everything around you, what you fail to see is that everything is actually falling into place. It seems like everything’s falling apart because things are changing and sometimes change is hard. By attempting to be in control, you are making the change harder so it makes it feel like you are spiraling out of control. Now if you find yourself being controlling in a relationship, you’ve really got to look at yourself as to why are you being controlling in a relationship?

I have frequently attracted men to me who are typically excessive alcohol users to the point where alcohol can run their life, or maybe they just need a few beers a night. I am not much of an alcohol drinker because I don’t feel like I need a downer, which is what alcohol is, in order to settle down from a long stressful day. So when it comes to those men in my life whom I keep attracting, I’ve had a difficult time understanding why these men keep showing up in my life. These are the same men who usually have a parent figure missing from their lives as well, whether the parent stepped out of the person’s life or they passed away when the person was a young age. Either way, that person has a void in their life that they haven’t healed from and I seem to attract these people. Now, from what I can tell, me being me, I have the feeling that I can help these people by filling that role or void that they are missing in their life or by helping direct them in what I think they need to be doing. By doing this I am being controlling in the relationship, because while this is happening, I’m also saying, you don’t need to be drinking! Well sorrow comes at a heavy price and it isn’t my place to say what that person should or should not be going through. By me trying to take control of the situation isn’t helping them and it most certainly isn’t helping me.

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So why do I feel the need to control? Well when I look back at things in my life, I see them how I expect them to be, and even though I might feel that my expectations of someone or something are not to high, I’m preventing them from just being and progressing. By trying to take control, I’m trying to form something into my ideal image. Really, the person that I do not feel is in my ideal image is myself. Since you attract what you vibrate, obviously I vibrate at a certain level that attracts these poor souls to me. In which case, I find myself playing mommy and what I think is me being thrown into a situation where I have to take care of someone, is really just me pushing myself onto someone to take care of them. I don’t want to take care of anyone. I want them to do these things on their own. I want them to make positive life choices, on their own and I want them to make the conscious choice to grow and be better people on their own.

In wanting that, what I’m not looking at is that I’m not making the conscious choice that I need to make positive life choices in order to grow. Just because I have come far in the last 4 years in regards to healing from past relationships and my childhood, this doesn’t mean I’ve healed from everything. I’ve never really had a positive relationship, though I’ve taken bits and pieces of what I imagine a positive relationship is, from the relationship that I have been in. This doesn’t make my situation realistic in anyway because then I’m not living in the moment, I am living in the past. Even when I am performing at my job, I’m not so focused on the current situation as I am more focused on what has gone wrong in the past so therefore I’m not living in the moment because I’m trying to improve a current or future moment by living in the past. Which really doesn’t work at all because you can’t get anything done, and then you just become grumpy and let’s face it, it can cause you to hurt other people’s feelings. At least in my case anyway. When it’s something work related my biggest worry is failure. But why? By not being in control I feel like I am going to fail, but at the same time, by trying to be in control, I am already failing because I’m not allowing things to flow naturally. If I’m “in control” I’m preventing things from happening in it’s natural order. These things have to happen in order for lessons to be learned, even to occur that could have gone one way or another. I’m stopping all together the flow of natural energy and instead creating a hostile environment.

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Commons signs of someone who is always trying to be in control;

  • Rather doing something themselves. This creates in overload for the control freak, stressing them out to the max. They believe that in by doing it themselves, then it is being done correctly. Really, they are just overworking themselves
  • Micromanaging can be a good skill to have, but not when you are over doing it and not allowing yourself time to relax or pace yourself. You can’t do everything at once and expect a job well done without losing half of your hair to balding or it going gray in the process and about 10 pots of coffee and little sleep. Actually that’s like a normal day for me.
  • Obsessing over being organized or clean. I totally cannot relate to this because I am the most unorganized woman alive. And I can barely keep my shirt clean. I always somehow seem to drop food or drink on my boobs before I’ve even walked out the door.
  • Everything has to be planned out. There’s no spontaneous events in your life because you refuse to allow things to happen outside your control or approval!
  • You find yourself being critical of not only yourself, but others. It’s bad enough when we over analyze every little thing we do, but it’s really not fair for us to do it to others.
  • Never satisfied. Nothing is every good enough. Someone’s reaction wasn’t what you expected. A job wasn’t well done in your opinion. Whatever the case may be.
  • You never relax, always go go go. This is something that I have struggled with for a long time. Maybe it’s because I always felt that if I wasn’t doing anything at all, I was just being lazy. But sometimes, we seriously need a break.

Over the last many months I’ve continuously tried to release myself to the Divine universe. Sadly, I never felt like I was able to completely allow myself to be released and fully trust where the Divine universe was leading me. I was holding myself back because I wanted control over what was going to happen in my life. I was refusing to trust that the Divine universe knew exactly what it was doing. Here I am, creating another hostile environment by trying to hold control of something while trying to tell myself that I’m surrendering to Divine universe and Divine timing. Who am I kidding? At this point I’m just lying to myself and sabotaging my own life.

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How am I sabotaging my own life? It’s quite simple. I’m expecting the worst to happen because by past experience, it could be a, b, or c. If I’m in control, then I can prevent a, b, or c, from happening. Or so I believe. But what really ends up happening is the unplanned d. Now I feel like everything’s falling apart because I had control of the situation and made sure that a, b, and c wouldn’t happen but didn’t plan accordingly for d! Oh my goodness! Hello! D happened because I tried to take control of a situation and I wasn’t listening to the Divine universe because I was so worried about what could go wrong, that I never once stopped and focused on what could go right! So who am I hurting here? Myself. And by hurting myself, I’m hurting those around me.

Everything we do creates a ripple effect. And by owning up to our feeling of being in control, we can change the ripple effect in reminding ourselves, just leave the shit be. We don’t need to be in control of everything and we don’t need to be telling someone else what they need to be doing or what they should be thinking or feeling. We can only control ourselves and how we react to a situation. We tend to forget this when we are so worried about what is going to happen and what could possibly go wrong. Sometimes things need to go wrong for us to be able to look back on ourselves and see why we did what we did. Just as I am looking back on my life and asking myself, why am I trying to be in control?

So why am I trying to be in control? I see my life as how I want it to be, but instead of working towards the goal, I’m trying to mold it into what I believe it should be. Divine universe gives us what we need in our life to help us grow spiritually and allow us to make our own choices, via free will. When we start messing with free will and put down what we think something should be or how we feel it should be, we stop the natural flow. But how is this different from manifesting something into your life? It’s quite simple. When you are trying to manifest something into your life, you are imaging that you already have it and you have created a straight path of how you are going to achieve it. When you try to be in control to get what you want, you are actually creating a lot of chaos by not giving yourself the wiggle room that you need in order to achieve what it is that you want manifested in your life. You are not allowing the natural flow of the Divine universe to come to you or meet you halfway. You are demanding that it happens this way in this amount of time and that YOU refuse to settle for anything less. But that’s not how this works.

Then we come to the point after realizing that there is in fact a problem and that the problem is that you are a control freak. We’ve recognized it, admitted it, and now we are coming to terms with it. As someone close to me once said, “changing it changes me”. Very true, and though we were not able to delve into the context they were using this statement in, it did bring up a valid point. We prefer to be in control because maybe it’s the only thing we’ve ever known. We are frequently told that we need to take control of our life, ourselves, and our situation. As a single parent, it’s hard to try not to take control of everything going on.  And even with spiritual growth, we are forced to learn patience and allowing the Divine to push us in the direction He/She/They want us to go, it still doesn’t make it easy to change something about ourselves that we have always viewed as being vitally important in our being. This is what I am, and why would I want to change it? At this point, we are actually living an oxymoron.

I don’t know to many people who get overly excited about change in their lives. Most people dread it and try to run away. And by doing so, they are really creating a situation where they will get knocked over the head by universe and dragged through the mud to where the universe wants them, whether or not we are kicking and screaming along the way. Eventually, we have to get to the position that Divine universe wants us in. Sometimes we are excited about change, at least until so much changes that we ended up getting burned out on all the change we are going through. It’s a nonstop roller coaster of things and at some point we just want to stop and breath and be in control of our situation for a little while. But eventually we have to face that trying to be in control only creates resistance. So how can we prevent that resistance from occurring?

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Honestly, I really don’t know. See I really don’t know much of how any of this works other than what I perceive in my experience that works. What works for me may not work for you and vice versa. Though, this is what I do know;

  • Be in the moment. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but once you have continuously reminded yourself, a thousand times a day, to be in the moment, you just kind of find yourself there. It takes a few days to reprogram your brain to this adjustment. It doesn’t mean that you won’t slip back into old programing, so once you find yourself once again, trying to be in control, realize that you are not being in the moment
  • Reflecting what happened in the past as to what makes you so worried about the future is needed at times when it is so difficult to be in the moment. There could be a something that keeps triggering this need to be in control. Realize that you are only in control of what you do. You cannot control everyone else, what they do, or how you want them to react.
  • Our beliefs determine our behavior. If we believe that we are superior to others in some form or fashion, we can find ourselves falling into the trap of control freak. At that point, we need to put our ego in check and tell it to take a hike. We got to remind ourselves that we are not better than anyone else.
  • Keep yourself grounded. By being grounded, we remove any excess anxiety or negative emotions from our bodies. It isn’t gone for good, but it is something that is gone until something triggers it again. Hopefully you will recognize what that trigger is and nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.
  • Allow yourself to relax a little and not be so aggressive psycho crazy. Believe it or not, but by trying to be in control, you are actually riding on a short fuse. At any moment that bomb could go off and who knows which direction that anger, frustration, or anything else, could go flying.
  • Repeat to after me, “I am in control of how I react to a situation. I am only in control of myself.” Sorry, but you are not completely in control over your situation because that situation could change a hundred times before it decides to say, this is your situation.
  • Be spontaneous. Just let things happen. Allow things to come together or fall apart on their own. It doesn’t mean that you failed, but at least put your best effort in without being controlling and just telling everyone, “I’ll do it myself”. Maybe take a sudden day off and go out on a date with yourself. Break up the normality of your day or week.
  • Relax! Do nothing. Sit and watch a movie an don’t get up unless it’s to refill your drink, snacks, or go to the bathroom! Read a book. Something other than what you’ve been trying to control!

Everything in life is one big lesson. I don’t think that there is ever an exact way of doing anything. There is no fix all because it all comes down on how you choose to handle what is going on inside you. If you don’t see that you being a control freak is an issue, well, keep trying to tell yourself that when you are not getting the results that you are trying to get. You can’t squeeze water out of a stone. Or something along those lines. Eventually we’re going to get tired of our own shit and realize that we really aren’t happy with the direction that our lives are going. At that point is when we are going to say enough is enough, something has to change.


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