At a young age, like any other teenager, I was on a search for unconditional love. I had a great relationship with my mother and father, but not so much with my step mom. There was lots of tension, angry out burst, and sometimes it got physical. I guess I was just looking for someone to love me as I was.
I got into a relationship, with my now ex husband, and it started out innocently enough. We started off friends and then built up to more. I was 18 and just knee he was my soulmate. I felt an instant connection and could remember past lives together. But after a few months, things started getting dark. He drank a lot and did drugs, unbeknownst to me. After 6 months we broke up and I was devastated. As any other young adult, I thought we’d be together forever. It was right after graduation and we had our whole life planned together.
Without a second thought, I went from one relationship to another. Nothing was steady in my life, I just floated along wherever the wind blew me. Searching for unconditional love, and a permanent home. I eventually moved away from the area I grew up in, and decided to start my life over 40 miles from home. I went from the small country town to the closest city I could get to. For a while life was good. I was in a steady relationship, working two jobs, enjoying life. Then all at once, it happened again. My relationship ended, one job closed down, I was laid off of my other job, and homeless living out of my car, bouncing from friend’s house to friend’s house. I was without a job, without a home, and had burned bridges with friends. I was alone, depressed, and suicidal. Again.
Luckily, two people walked into my life that saved me. They woke me back from my deep sleep. They became for a short time my teachers. Things were starting to look up with their help and acceptance of me for who and what I was. We went everywhere together and were inseparable.
My father came to my rescue, giving me a job, and offered a place to live back home. I was afraid to go back because I didn’t want to go back to the abuse. Dad promised it wouldn’t happen. Once I move back, things started back up where they left off. I was 21 being forced to deal with things that I wasn’t completely over from when I was younger. One day everything just snapped. My step mother and I got into our biggest fight that we had ever gotten into. As she came at me swinging, spitting in my face, screaming at me, I tried to defend myself by pushing her off. My father witnessed the whole thing and yelled at me to not hit her. I was done. I felt betrayed. I left the house and as my father followed me, I screamed at him, telling him that I couldn’t take it anymore. For years I was called a liar. For years I was called a thief. For years I was told I was hated and wished that I was dead. I was called a whore at a young age, before I even understood what the term meant. All these things that she made me repeat back to her multiple times a day, to drill it into my head that I was nothing but shit. I screamed at him. Telling him I was tired of being told that I lied, that I lied about the abuse, that I lied about the way I was treated. I got in my car and drove away with nowhere to go.
As I left, she left too minutes later, with a knife. I still to this day do not know if she was looking for me, or if she intended to kill herself. Months later she was diagnosed with tumors inside her body and a chemical imbalance.
I ended up moving in with my best friend and her parents. It was the best few months of my life. It was like having a real family who loved my unconditionally, and I still go back and feel like I’m at home. I still had my job, my father being my supervisor, our issues resolved, but I refused to go back home. My friend and I worked on our spirituality while living together, depending on a teacher who we weren’t sure if was crazy, but everything she said seemed to make sense. It’s funny now to look back and know that she’s not as crazy as what I had originally thought she was.
Through her, I got back onto my spiritual path, was optimistic about life, and knew big changes were coming.
Be careful what you wish for, right? My soon to be ex-husband came back into my life. Once again, it was a whirlwind. Nothing was taken slow and we were quickly in another relationship. I was looking at him as a fresh start. He had joined the military and seemed to have his life together. After a few months, I made the decision, with my friend, to quit my job, and go and join the love of my life clear across the country. I picked up and moved without talking to him first. Maybe that was the mistake. I was going on blind faith that everything was going to work out. After a month, we were engaged, a month later, I found out I was pregnant. In those few months though, he started showing his true colors. I was hesitant on marrying him, but I did out of embarrassment of being pregnant out of wedlock, and because I needed the health care. Thus started the 7 years of personal hell that I write about in the blog post about empaths and narcissist.
During that time, I was cheated on, emotionally and physically abused, at a complete loss. I didn’t know what I had gotten myself into. I beat myself up about not following my gut and just going back home. I beat myself up because I believed I was a horrible person. I beat myself up because I brought children into a loveless marriage. The final tipping point being when I was pregnant with my 3rd child, being told that he may not survive the pregnancy because my body was slowly killing him, my body treating him as a virus. I reached out to my husband for support, but instead he yelled at me, being hateful. Unsupported. He was struggling with the possible loss himself, only with negative outburst instead of something that should have brought us together. We had two weeks before we would know if I had to have an emergency c-section at 26 weeks. I cried myself to sleep for those two weeks. I’d sleep a couple hours, wake up, cry myself to sleep again, and again, and again. All while trying to take care of two children, a home, deal with a unsupportive husband, and being on bed rest which I seemed to never be allowed to have. I never got the help from him that the doctors said I needed for my baby to survive. I was done. Everything inside me was dead. I was emotionally numb. I told him come the summer, we were gone. My baby was born December 8th at a healthy 6lbs 6oz with only a few days stay in the hospital because of jaundice from the antibodies in my blood still circulating in his system. Now he will soon be starting Kindergarten in the fall.
After 7 and a half years, I was standing my ground, tired of the abuse. I moved back home, with 3 children and a dog. No job, nowhere else to go except back to my father’s house. Though things were 100% better than the last time I had lived there, I grieved for my marriage. I grieved for the life I left behind that I loved. I loved being a military wife and all the friends that I had made. But I had a home and quickly found a job. Everything was falling into place, though I still suffered from depression and a feeling of betrayal and loss.
After a few months I started the dating game. Jeez, sometimes I wonder what I was thinking. I had a low self-esteem and a low sense of self. I fell into multiple traps of men who just wanted sex and nothing more. I was such a silly silly girl, allowing myself to be hurt over and over. I just wanted someone to love me.
See the vicious cycle? Always chasing after love, always letting myself down because I was depending on someone else to make me happy.
After a few months, I had enough money saved up to get my own place. I had a steady job, and was looking forward to having a place of my own. I learned how to set boundaries, and learned what I needed to be looking for in a man. Almost a year from when I left to start my life over back home, I met my ex-boyfriend. He seemed like everything that I could possibly want. Supportive, loving, taking in my kids like they were his own. I should have paid more attention to those other tiny details. I paid for everything. I paid all the bills. Though he worked, his money was spent on other things. He turned possessive, getting upset if I didn’t call him on every one of my breaks. Complaining that he never had time to go fishing or visit his family because as soon as he got home he took care of my kids while I worked. He called me unappreciative, which was farther from the truth. I tried to show him constantly that I cared for him, as if me paying all the bills were not enough. I packed his favorite items in his lunch every week. I took him on a trip for just the two of us where I paid for everything for the whole weekend, the gas, the hotel, food, alcohol, everything. But I was unappreciative.
He’d get mad if I didn’t cuddle him. No cuddles for me, nope, he’s not a cuddler, I had to cuddle him. I had to rub his back. Nope, not good enough, I’m not rubbing it right. I don’t appreciate him. I worked 7 days a week and was exhausted, but I tried everything to make him happy.
During this time I had my full spiritual awakening. In itself it is exhausting, but I grew with leaps and bounds. My teacher was someone who I had not met but had been in contact with through family. On me and my ex’s one year anniversary, I had the opportunity to finally meet my teacher. But I was torn. Spend my first anniversary with my boyfriend, or go meet my teacher. It’s still the only time I have ever met her. He said, no, go and meet her. You need this. How could I not pass it up. He had been so supportive through my awakening, even though he had been grumpy about everything else. I over looked all his flaws because he emotionally supported me on something that I found very important, even if he didn’t understand it.
A few months later he walked out of my life. He said he needed to take time for his self. I was so completely confused by everything. I thought everything was fine. Apparently it wasn’t. While I was at work and my kids with their grandparents, he came in and moved all of his stuff out of my house. No explanation, no good bye.
After him, it was just another heart break after another. One resulting in the birth of my youngest. His father isn’t in the picture. He chooses not to be. This once again wrecked my life. The search was on again, I was destroyed. Over and over I allowed myself to be hurt. Over and over, beating myself up that I must be worthless and unlovable, because why else would I still be alone? I continued to try to focus my attention on my family and my soul growth. Worked on pulling myself out of depression. The damage was done though. I had created internal demons that would cause this spiritual experience that was unreal and absolute craziness. Finding my false twin flame.
I thought I had my life together. I had been single going on 2 years, which many unsuccessful dates under my belt. I took lots of breaks working on healing myself and my chakras. It was coming up on August of 2016 and my guide was preparing me for transition. He had given me an exact date, the beginning of Mercury Retrograde, and told me exactly how long it would last. Reassured me that when I came out of transition, I would start new training. I was excited about how I had completed another level and looking forward to giving my soul, my mind, and my body rest after all the test and lessons I had learned and the goals I had reached. Since I had nothing much to do in my free time, other than listen to silence, a friend of mine convinced me to try to start dating again. I was kind of apprehensive. I decided to give it another try. Once I had created my online dating profile, I started seeing number signs, 555, 111, 1111, and so on. I believed these were signs from my guides and followed them. Then I noticed another soul following me. He followed me everywhere. Not a Earth bound spirit, but I could see him in my minds eye. I talked to a friend about what I should do. The soul to her seemed to be okay, so we agreed that I try to allow him in. I did. We merged as one. The pain in my chest, my heart chakra, was like someone taking a baseball bat to my chest. The pain was unreal. But we were connected.
I could feel him pulling at me, astro-projectimg me to him. Always around the same time of night. We danced under the moon light. Sat and looked at the stars. He gave me flowers and we held each other close. I was excited though I didn’t know what was going on.
By now I am out of transition, or so I believe. One day while scrolling through the profiles of possible single guys, I come across this one. I pass it. Scrolling through it again, I stop and look at his picture. I hear in my mind, “he’s going to message you.” No he’s not, there’s no way. Now, keep in mind that while all this is going on, I’m trying to manifest my Twin Flame. I’ve researched the hell out of all the signs. The numbers were showing up even more and I research the Twin Flame signs. I wanted it so bad that I could feel it. I thought maybe I found it. I found a message from him on my phone. I open up the app on my phone and the first numbers I see are 1111. Twin flame numbers. I look at the time he messaged me, 5:55. The number for big changes. I think to myself, there’s no freaking way.
We start messaging back and forth, talking about basic things. We’re talking about our favorite cars. I tell him that mine is a 1958 Plymouth Fury. He suddenly blows up my phone saying that that is exactly his favorite car. He then tells me that his all time favorite movie is Christine and how he’s obsessed with that movie and geeks out over it knowing every detail of the vehicle from the movie. Have I ever mentioned that my name is Christine? Or how I was born when the movie was out in theaters? How about the fact that we were both Capricorns, or how he looked similar to the guy I’ve been seeing in my dreams for months. Never mind the fact that he randomly brings up that he’s a medium, hey me too! Or how he’s into Rockabilly… OMG, me too! All these things that we had in common were mind blowing. How was it possible? Could it be true? Could this guy be my Twin Flame?
We were so excited we quickly arranged to meet, but because we wanted to meet immediately, and I had my kids, there was no other choice than to meet at my house after my children went to bed. Yes, I know, not the most intelligent thing to do. Yes I’m aware I could have put my children in serious danger. Yes I know I’m an idiot, but at the time, I was willing to take that chance. Upon first meeting, he practicly jumped out of his truck, ran up to me, and grabbed me in a body crushing hug picking me up off my feet. I gently patted his back, not sure what to say, and told him, “yes, I am the voice on the other side of the phone.” He apologized for acting so weird and said that it was just an instant reaction and that he felt compelled to do it. I just went with it.
I’m not even sure what happened. He wasn’t even there 15 minutes and somehow we were already in my bedroom having mind blowing sex. It was intense. Everything that I had ever dreamed. We laid with each other till 5 in the morning. Cuddling and holding each other. It was like we fit perfectly together laying side by side. Even he mentioned how our bodies formed perfectly together in our sleep. I couldn’t deny it. I don’t like being touched in my sleep, but I very much enjoyed every second of it. After he left, I had to start my day. Man, was I exhausted! Even though I had more than my typical 5 hours of sleep. But it had been an exciting night and it just had to be it.
There are things that I’m not even quite sure how they happened. It’s all a fog now. Our heart chakras had connected. I would start feeling sudden pains in my chest, then shortly after getting a text, “did you feel that?” he would ask. He would repeatedly do this, over and over throughout the day. I tried to play it off as him joking around. But day after day, I felt more and more exhausted. He seemed to be on a high. He’d be up for days almost bouncing off the walls. Telling me he’d never felt so alive and that energetic before and he couldn’t figure out a reason for it. He’d be up for days with very little sleep. Another day, it was almost like we were physically having sex, but we weren’t even in the same county. And never mind how awkward it was almost coming to orgasm while standing there at work. Getting a message later, “I thought naughty thoughts about you”. Is this even humanly possible?! What is going on?! I started going into panic mode, but tried to remain calm. He would wake me up in the morning with text saying, “I had a dream that you and I were dancing under the moon light.” Excuse me?! “I had a dream that you and I were sitting outside looking at the stars talking about each other.” At this point, I’m questioning myself. Is this normal for Twin Flames?
After a week, yes, this all happened within a week, we arranged another meeting. He came over and wasn’t there very long before we were back in my bed again. Leaving me completely drained of energy. I almost couldn’t function for days. I would get massive text messages of “I love you”, “I miss you” and so on. At this point, I’m about to have a full-fledged panic attack. But I try to convince myself that this might be normal. After all, I’ve never had a Twin Flame experience before.
Then something happens. I’m completely blocked from my guide. I can’t hear anything. I can’t feel anything. It’s like I’ve been completely shut off. I’m convinced there’s a blockage. Though I hadn’t been feeling right for months, telling my friends that there was something wrong with me, but they couldn’t find anything wrong. This, this was insane. Though he tried and tried and tried, I couldn’t feel my heart chakra pulsing anymore. I still felt drained of energy, but he started talking to me less and less, probably because he couldn’t take anything more. I was on pins and needles when I hadn’t heard from him for a few days. Then a week. Only an occasional text. Then it was two weeks. My energy started coming back, but I felt devastated. He had deserted me. Then, I heard nothing at all from him.
I was heartbroken. I felt betrayed. I had to be not good enough. No one would ever love me. I told them to take it back. Take my gifts back. I didn’t want to be a light worker anymore. How could this happen? I didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t want to feel, hear, or see anything ever again. I was done! I was turning my back on everything! I felt like I had been torn apart. But I noticed that the soul still followed. Promised he’d never leave me. He’d always love me. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know what to do. It took me weeks to cut the tie between us. It took me finding an article on False Twin Flames for me to realize that this might just be a real thing. I felt even more betrayed. How could they let this happen? I had been beaten and abused. It was already hard enough for me to say out loud that I just wanted to be loved unconditionally. Why? Because I believe the Divine gives you everything you need in life. I have my family and I have my friends. They love me unconditionally. I must be selfish to want more. To want someone who will always fight for me, someone who wants me to be me without fear or judgement. I felt dirty for wanting unconditional love. Why couldn’t I just be happy with what I already had?
I started noticing little things though. My energy was coming back, the numbers were now different. Instead of 11:11, they were now 11:12, always one minute off compared to how I would catch them before. It was like a sign that it had finally passed. The connection had finally been cut. Somehow, I had even forgotten his name.
That was in December 2016. Here I am, sitting here typing this. Though I still can’t hear my guides, and I cannot feel much of anything, this is what I do know:
My psyche was a disaster. Someone invaded my house. As someone who use to work with demons and sending them to the light and removing them from people, places and things, somehow one of the most damaging, strongest demons I’ve ever come across, had found his way into my mind. It took 3 people to exercise me. One of my friends being attacked physically while trying to remove the bastard. Others were hiding inside my house. My mental house. This was a set up. I was set up. I couldn’t do it anymore. My job was to dangerous. I put myself in danger by not covering my bases. I didn’t protect on a regular basis, allowing my ego to get into the way, believing that I could defeat any demon that came my way. Nope, I was wrong. I couldn’t do it anymore. What if I put my kids in danger? I second guessing my path, the one I started on years ago. The one I was constantly trained for. The path that my friends and I were on. I’m grateful for my friends. I understand now that this was a lesson. I understand now that I let my ego get in the way. And I understand, that I am worthy of unconditional love, and that it will come to me in due time. That most likely it was my guides and angels and whomever else that shut me down and stopped him from taking more from me.
I’m writing this as part of my healing. Though I don’t have the typical signs, I get the tingling feeling and positive feeling whenever I thought about writing this blog post. I knew it was the right thing to do, and that moving on wouldn’t happen until I admitted everything to myself and the world. And most of all, forgiving myself, and him for what happened.
After my experience, and much research I’ve done, this is what I’ve found:
- Roughly 90% of people are with a false twin flame
- They literally suck the life and energy out of you
- You can share similar interest
- You can have an intense sexual relationship, but typically, this is the only relationship you will have
- I’ve read that you can have a series of unfortunate events happening around the meeting, but for me personally, it never happened. I’m sure it’s different for everyone
- You feel empty without the other. You crave their presence all the time
- They are emotionally unavailable. This became apparent when I started hearing from him less and less, and that we never really talked about how we felt emotionally
- No longer in the picture. Nope. After a few weeks he stopped talking to me all together.
- Toys with emotions. They like to keep you hanging just long enough to get what they need
- Up and leave for no reason. I have no explanation. My last text from him was, “you too babe”
- In and out of the picture. I wouldn’t hear from him for days. Then weeks. Till all communication stopped all together.
- You can feel them pulling at your heart chakra. And it’s painful, trust me
- You can feel and sense them before you meet
- Neither one of you may even be aware of what’s actually going on.
- They are advanced enough to mirror your bodily energy
- You become obsessed with them. I’m guilty of checking out people’s social pages, but seriously, I was out of control. Looking at every picture, every post, every comment. It was like my life depended on knowing every tiny thing about him.
So long after this situation and when I finally decided that I was for certain that I didn’t want to give up, but make sure to inform people on this emotional and physical danger, I felt like I had to start over. Like, I felt like I had forgotten everything. It was very discouraging, but I’m a very determined person. I’ve done a lot of research and realized that really, I had to release this past damage as well as any other things holding me back from being truly happy. Here are some great ideas:
- Balance your chakras. All of your chakras are very important, but some of them can be really off by going through such a rough experience. Your base chakra (root chakra) when balanced, helps with releasing fear, gaining confidence, and grounding yourself. Your sacral chakra helps with your self-confidence and healing from depression. Your heart chakra needs to be healed and when in balance, helps you to love yourself and others, and helps with forgiveness
- Self healing from past experiences from this life. Those traumas you went through? Bind them up and white light and send them to the light. You have no need for them, they are simply baggage weighing you down
- Remove past lives blocking you from moving forward and meeting your true twin flame. I like to envision past lives as balloons. I ask my guides and angels to bring forward the past lives blocking me from my path. I then ask for them to be cut and sent to the light. I then cleans the areas that they have been cut from in white light. Ask for positive past lives that have been forgotten to be brought forward and tied in their place. Do not forget to thank your guides and angels.
- Past generation healing. We can carry on past generation influences that can affect not only our emotional health, but our physical health as well. If you can view back onto past generations and see that there is a long history of bad relationships, or a sickness, do a generation healing. Check out my blog post on how to do a generation healing
- Ground yourself. After all the healing I went through, and continue go through, I felt a huge urge to ground myself. It took all I had not to go rolling around in the wet grass after it had been raining for days. Oh I’m sure that would have been a sight to see by all the neighbors
- Keep yourself in a protective bubble. I’m in no way saying that you will ever deal with demons, internal or external, but it’s better to always protect yourself from negative energies that you face on a daily basis.
- Heal your psyche. Check that little house of yours and make sure that it’s clean, that your attic is clean. Anything you’ve been carrying around, old memories and so on that no longer hold a purpose, get rid of them. Send them to the light.
- Take it day by day. The biggest thing I found was learning to forgive myself for ignoring the signs. We can really be hard on ourselves, but stop. We are learning, and through learning, we grow.
Thank you everyone who took the time to read this long blog post. I know it’s a lot, but I’m really hoping that I could reach out to someone and help in some way. You are loved, you are worthy of love. You were made from love. Do not forget it!